Poem Proofread?

[caiptean]

Hello all,
Firstly, I'm not entirely sure if this is where this type of topic goes, so forgive me for that one :S

Second, I'm writing a book, and I wanted to include a poem in Gàidhlig in it. I have it written, I just need to make sure that the grammar is correct and that it's well written. I still have only a basic understanding of Gàidhlig so it would be appreciated if you guys would help me out

The poem itself is as follows:

M’anam, mo cridhe,
thoir leat uile a tha agam.
Caochailidh mi nam seasamh.
Fìrinn, saorsa, cothromachd,
fuilingidh iad seo gu brath.

And the meaning is intended to be:

My heart, my soul,
take all that I have.
I will die standing.
Truth, freedom, equality,
these shall endure forever.

I hope I haven't committed any egregious errors, but if I have, please point them out! Tapadh leibh!

[jjb362]

Change fuilingidh which means suffer, and endure in that sense, to mairidh, which means endure in the sense of last, survive.

Second line, a h-uile looks better to me.

[Seonaidh]

It doesn't rhyme. Or is it meant to be vers libre?

It occurs to me, if you're wanting a bit of Gaelic poetry, there's a fair bit about already - something must be suitable to your purpose, I'd have thought. Why reinvent the wheel?

Not much to do with poetry, but there are a few misteaks ann. F'rinstance "M'anam, mo cridhe", if you wanted to say it right in Gaelic (or write it right, rather) would be "M' anam, mo chridhe" (note (a) the space after "M'" and (b) the sèimheachadh on "cridhe").

More poetically, traditionally Gaelic makes use of things like internal rhyme, set structures and precise end-rhymes, stress patterns etc. However, as in English, in modern Gaelic poetry anything goes. To the more traditionally-minded speaker of Gaelic, however, the style you adopt may seem to be somewhat alien.

[EowynAnduin]

Caiptean I hear the truth in the words as said in English. I cannot comment as to how the words come forth in Gàidhlig. It is a lovely poem. I admire you moving forward in an art form that is not your native setting.

Seonaidh, thank you for pointing out the methodology of rhythm in speach especially when applied to poetry. I am assuming the same technique is used in song. Listening to some of the waulking songs I felt the rhythm was key to the song. Although I am unsure if that is a true statement. Is rhythm and how words roll off the tongue the way in which some/most songs are built? There definitely is a lot to learn other than the words and structures of the words. Add in the flow and you have a small part of the big picture.

I had attempted writing a few of the songs I have in English into Gàidhlig. I do not know enough as of yet to do this. Like the Mik'Mak Honor song, singing it in English just does not "feel" right. Even my English pronunciation of the native language feels better than the English. I trust that at some point it/Gàildhlig will flow and I will hear a song to sing

Caiptean keep writing

[jjb362]

Also nam sheasamh, not nam seasamh.

[caiptean]

Seonaidh, I intended for it not to rhyme. I've always been a fan of poems that don't rhyme, don't ask me why.
Thanks for the corrections everyone, I'm still a beginner so I really appreciate the input.
And thanks for your kind words EowynAnduin!

[GunChleoc]

gu bràth. needs an accent

I agree with the other suggestions, and I think it will be fine that way.

[caiptean]

M’ anam, mo chridhe,
thoir leat a h-uile a tha agam.
Caochailidh mi nam sheasamh.
Fìrinn, saorsa, cothromachd,
mairidh iad seo gu bràth.

There, I implemented all the changes you guys mentioned; look a little bit better?

Again, tapadh leibh!

[GunChleoc]

It does indeed